Thank God For Wario


Illustration for article titled Thank God For Wario

Image: Nintendo

These are trying times we are all living through. If only we could live through them with half the gusto—and fashion sense—of Wario.

Look at this screenshot from the upcoming Mario Golf: Super Rush. Look how ready everyone is to play golf. It shows Mario dressed like he votes Republican and lives somewhere featured on McMansion Hell, a Mii that looks ported from another universe and who most definitely does want to be here and Yoshi, who has just not even tried.

Bleh. But then we have Wario. Wario, who is hitting the back nine looking somewhere between a celebrity BBQ chef, an 80s wrestling manager and The Rich Texan from The Simpsons. It’s incredible. Could you or I pull this off? I wish, but probably not. Could Wario? For Wario, this is his life.

Wario is not here to win. He is not here to honour the sport, or fulfil a contractual obligation, or do any other boring golf shit like “network” or complain about your kids or talk about house prices.

Wario is here to do what he’s always here to do: party. Let Mario have his name on the box. We all know who the real star of this game is.

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